Let's Make A Crazy Deal
by Fantasy Cat
Summary: ~*COMPLETED AT LAST!*~ Spike tries to put a stop to Faye/Vicious's wedding. After all, all bad stories must come to an end fast!
1. Behind Door No. 1: Faye Valentine!

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Disclaimer: All Hail The Creators of CB!! (By the way, I'm just a fan like all of you reading this fic.

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Author note: Go easy, por favor. I've seen all CB episodes up to session 18 and I am still to see the rest. Besides, I didn't think I could pull off a humor fic. Okay, so once again, if you have a better title to replace this…one… Read the fic, review the fic, and write your idea with the review!!!!

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"Let's Make A Crazy Deal"

By Fantasy Cat

Chapter One

BANG BANG BANG! The Bebop shook slightly to the mysterious arrival of a craft on deck. 

"Grab some guns, before I open the door!" Jet called out to his crazy bunch on the Bebop.

"Oh, oh. Edward get her stinky gas gun!"

"NO ED!!" Faye and Spike called out at once. It was unfortunately too late. Jet had already opened the front door and at that same moment Ed was unaware that they weren't really gonna fire their weapons unless necessary. The Bebop now stunk, even worse than an elephant's butt. Everybody, even Ein was gagging until their throats were sore. A few minutes later the gas clouds parted and it was revealed who was at the front door.

"VICIOUS?!! How did you find out where I was?!! Man, this must be some sort of crazy nightmare!" Spike's legs began to tremble. '_Good God_' thought Spike. '_I hope that's not pee I'm feeling down my leg_.'

"You've always been such a whiner Spike," grinned Vicious. "I didn't come here to see you, but now since I know you are here I'll be bringing you some special surprises later!"

"Edward love surprises!" (said Ed, obviously.)

"There's the one I've come to see." Vicious walked slowly towards his target.

"Faye? Don't tell me she owes you millions of wulongs too," quoted Jet.

"Nope, but I happened to have a proposition for you, Faye. I know you owe at the least 600 million in wulongs to people in and outside of your…circle. What would you say if I could make ALL of those debts…disappear."

"I say throw in a million more, and I'll kill Spike myself." She assumed that was what Vicious wanted and of course, she was only joking.

"OUCH! Faye!" Spike muttered.

"Heh, heh, heh," chuckled Vicious. "I was thinking like you and I could get married."

"WHAT!!! That's just sick! I ain't gonna marry you for all that its wort-" Faye froze in her protest. "There's more, isn't there?"

"I'm afraid so. My intelligence tells me that each and every one of you on this ship, including the dog have committed one to hundreds of felonies throughout the galaxy that will send each and every one of you to jail. If you don't marry me, I will send all of the reports to the ISSP before you can even stop me."

Jet went over to Faye. "Uh Faye, Vicious. Spike and I are gonna have a little talk about what we wan to do about this. It'll only be a minute." Spike followed Jet as they made their way into the bonsai tree room.

Spike hid an evil, but funny looking grin from everyone else.

A minute later. They came back. "Faye, we've come to a decision, and all I can say is," Spike let out a sigh. "I would love to come to the wedding, but your fiance and I have some things that I'd rather not settle."

"NOOOO!!! I don't believe this!! After all I've done for you?!!! You're gonna make me marry this guy?!!" Faye was really eye-popping at what was happening.

"You can take her away Vicious" Spike went to sit back on the couch to a cigarette.

"Let's go." Vicious grabbed Faye by the arms, but she was trying to attack Spike. "Where the hell's my damn bird?!!!"

Around the corner of the room, Birdy was being by Ein, who was being chased by Ed. Birdy flew out the door with Vicious as soon as he noticed that it was opened.

Faye was now kicking and screaming as she was pushed through the door. "NOOOO!!! Spike, you'll be sorry!!! I'll get you for this!!!!!!" 

"Come back, Faye-Faye," Ed came slowly chasing after the struggling Faye. "Edward want to be flower girl!" 

NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW

"Hmm…do I or do I not regret what I did?" is what Spike will constantly ponder in Chapter Two.


	2. Post-Dinner conversations

Disc: see Chapter 1

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"Let's Make A Crazy Deal"

By Fantasy Cat

Chapter Two

Spike lay down on the couch staring at the swirling movements of the ceiling fan above him. Jet comes out of the kitchen carrying a wine bottle and two champagne glasses.

"This calls for a celebration, huh?" chuckled Jet.

"Yeah, just when you never thought that you would never be able to be rid of the shrew, opportunity knocks at the Bebop door." Spike watched Jet as he poured the wine into the glasses and handed Spike his glass. "To Faye, who shall pick from our wallets no more, and this time she leaves without taking any of our dough." The two glasses clinked on contact.

Suddenly there was a sound of a ship approaching the Bebop deck. "Again?" mumbled Jet. "I thought I fixed that damn security system." Jet went over to the intercom. "Who the hell is it?!"

"Space taxi," said the voice. "I'm here to pick up someone name Edward.

"Yay! Taxi here! Taxi here!" Ed came into the main room with what looked like a suitcase at hand jumping around the couches as Ein followed.

Ed was about to head the door finally when Jet grabbed her. "Now wait just a damn bonsai-picking minute. Where do you think you're going?"

"Faye-Faye say she can invite one guest to wedding. Faye-Faye want me to come…and be flower girlie!"

"Unbelievable," mumbled Spike.

"You can go just as long as I don't have to pay for that taxi." Jet let go of Ed as she and Ein merrily skipped their way into the taxi. "By the way, I need 1500 wulong to cover the taxi charges," said the driver.

Now believe or not the Bebop has its own shooting range room, and this is where Spike was…thinking…regretting…something. Not Faye?! _'Sorry bub'_, said his brain. _'You are regretting. And you wonder why you gave Faye away. And you still wonder how the hell Vicious found the Bebop. And you still wonder why Vicious wants to marry…'_

"Shut up, brain!" Spike yelled to himself. "I don't have to take this from you! "

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'The hell you do,' said his brain. _'You gotta take it alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll-ouch!'_ Spike managed to get his brain to shut up by running his head into a wall. At that moment, Jet walked by the room. After seeing the incident with Spike and his head in a wall, Jet vowed that he will no longer serve Shitake mushrooms ever again.

"Come on, brain. What is this all about, really?" Spike was rubbing his head.

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'You miss 'er don't ya?'

"Only when she's not stealing my bounties or my cigarettes."

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'Aw come on now, brother. Ya ain't gonna let ol' Vicious mess around with yo woman.'

"Since when was she 'my woman'?

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'Since I say so, Afro-wannabe. Now if Faye marry Vicious, then you gots twoooooooooooooo enemies to deal with brotha. And ya know how bad-lay Faye want to shyoooooooooot ya deeeeead!'

Spike was shocked. He never realized that is enemy list would increase now that Faye would be married. And what about the fact that Vicious knows where he lived now, Spike was screwed. He would have to run away again. This finally made him feel somewhat guilty, as if he was killing two birds with one stone.

However, he couldn't decide what was the best thing to do. Then, he noticed a blindfold and his gun. He put on the blindfold and grabbed the gun pointing towards the shooting target wall. "I make this target, I go after Faye," Spike said to himself. He fired one shot. After about 10 seconds he lifted his blindfold.

"AW, Damn it!"

The bullet found its target.

EXPLAINING CHAPTER TWO: Spike's brain was meant to have a Chris Tucker personality. Anyone watched "The Rerun Show" last night?


	3. Battle to Reason (The two realize that t...

Disc: See Chapter 1

Hey everybody, but sorry it took so long to update.  I have been unfortunate enough to have writers block.  I would become one of those people who never finish their fanfics, but then I would become everything I would ever hate.  Anyway, this chapter was the most difficult and strenous cuz I couldn't think of any good humour for it.

Anyway:  Twiggy, this one's for you!

**Let's Make A Crazy Deal**

**By Fantasy Cat**

**Chapter Three**

Faye's Post Wedding Do List 

_Make an escape plan_

_Poison (or drunk) Vicious_

_Break into Vicious secret stash_

_Escape!!!_

_Burn all honeymoon clothing_

_Kill Spike_

Faye was writing out her list of vengeance just hours before the wedding was to begin, when suddenly, she heard noise coming from outside.  Someone was trying to break in to her room!

She was very curious about it, and thought that whoever was trying to break in had to be the world's stupidest criminal, and I mean stupid.  Being it broad daylight with Red Dragon guards everywhere! (_heeheehee see bottom disclaimer_)  Faye walked over to the window.  She was half-surprised, half-not to see Spike making a poor attempt to pry the window open with a crow bar.

Finally, Faye decided to bang on the window to get his attention.  Spike was concentrating so hard on trying to break in; he didn't notice Faye being there and almost fell off the building at her banging.  Spike fingers were grabbing onto the ledge of the window.

Faye decided to open up the window, even though she wanted to get back at Spike for making her go through with this wedding.  She pushed the window out, and then saw Spike clinging on to dear life from the ledge.

"Hey Spike.  Maybe you should've checked to see if the window was locked before you started putting your crowbar to work."  His stupidity was making Faye chuckle.

"Ha, ha, ha," mocked Spike as he climbed his way into the room.  "Look Faye..."

PUNCH!

"...I just..."

PUNCH!

"...want..."

PUNCH!

"...to apologize...and why do you keep punching me?  I mean this chapter alone is causing this story to become stupid."

"What story?" ask Faye.

"I mean this fanfic that we're in!"

"Oh...yeah.  But you still got me into this wedding mess, and now I will get my vengeance!  Mwahahahahaha!!"

"I knew this story is getting crappy," smirked Spike.

"Choose your weapon, Lunkhead!"  Faye cried out as she went to the rack where her wedding dress was hanging.  She took the wedding dress, carefully folded it, and placed it in a safe corner.  "I may hate the wedding, but I'm thinking about stealing this dress!"

In the opposite corner, Spike was facing Faye, being filled with confusion, anger, and shock, as he felt for something to defend himself.

Faye had the coat rack.  Spike had a bouquet of wedding flowers. 

"Ah ha.  Let's see how these thorns hold out against that giant stick."

In the lamest, most pathetic excuse for a chapter three, our two-some begin their battle.

"Come on, Faye.  Can't you just hear me out?  I mean, why would I even be here?" 

"Oh gee...I dunno.  Does it have to do with Julia?!!!"

"What?!!!"

"Julia, Spike!  She knows about the wedding, and she told me that now I'm marrying Vicious, she can run away with your sorry ass!  Then she laughed in my face," Faye's tone changed.

"Hey...we can!"  Spike seemed happy-happy-joy-joy.  "But look, Faye.  The real reason why I came here, is that so Vicious doesn't use you to get to me and kill me," Spike gulped.

"Hmm...I never thought that I can kill you that way," smirked Faye.

A loud bang came from the door.

"Faye-Faye!" cried Edward.  "They're taking picy-pictures!!!"

"Wow, Faye.  I didn't think Vicious would have an all out wedding for the two of you," Spike said as he crept closer in for Faye to hear.  Then he laughed, "He must really want some...you know, and who can blame him!"

Faye just stood there with an unamused expression on her face.  Faye was taking a deep breath as Spike looked on.  _Was she gonna yell or something?_

"VIC--"  Before Faye could finish calling out his name, Spike had already jumped out the window, where he landed on a small garden of bonsais.

"OW!  Hmm...A little souvenir for Jet," said Spike.  He dug out a few, and went around the building to form another plan to keep the wedding from happening.

ME AGAIN:  What did I tell ya.  My writer's block has caused me to write a really bad chapter!  As for that one disclaimer early in the story, the joke was taken off of _The Simpsons_ episode "Burns, Baby, Burns".  And yes, you can expect another Simpson joke copy-off in the next (and probably) chapter, which I will have posted soon.  Thankie-thankie very much for your patience.  And once again, my apologies.


	4. The final scene where I make fun of The ...

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Disc.: If I could, I would own CB, but I don't, so screw me! (NO! NOT IN THAT WAY, IDIOT. IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION!)

Well, it's Friday afternoon in my dorm and I have nothing better to do, and I promise that I would make finishing this fic my top priority so here's the final chapter.

Expect lots of TV and movie references from this chapter.

Let's Make A Crazy Deal

By Fantasy Cat

Chapter Four

The clock was ticking, and in less than an hour Faye would be Mrs. Vicious. "Ugh, what a scary thought," Spike said to himself. "And all those years that I've known Vicious I never learned what his last name was. Oh well."

Spike decided to head into the chapel to put his new plan into action, but the place was already packed with guests. This surprised Spike, but what surprised Spike even more…

"Jet, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see what you have planned in mind to stop the wedding."

"Relax, I'll have something. Now go get the Bebop ready, cuz I'm gonna drag Faye and Ed's sorry asses back to the Bebop so I can avoid being killed! Then, I'm gonna find Julia and explain this whole mess."

"Yeah, it was you who made Faye go through this, Spike."

"Jesus! Everybody's got a problem where they can't take a joke. Arrgh!" Spike stormed away down a hallway angrily. And then, the wedding march started to play. "Shit, I'm screwed."

Ed was dancing down the aisles in her pink fluffy dress throwing the flowers a little to furiously. They were hitting people's eyes and the guests were mumbling with anger.

As for Faye she looked down the aisle with a bored look. "Some wedding," she thought to herself. But the gun that was pointing to her back said it was time to keep moving. Vicious was waiting down by the altar.

Spike checked around the hallway to avoid Red Dragon guards. Then he noticed a door with a sign that said, "Stairs lead to Organ Room". He headed up. The old man sitting on the organ was playing the wedding march. Spike grabbed his collar from behind. "Out of the way, Chopin," he said and threw the organist out.

The preacher began his speech, "dearly beloved…"

Vicious was too impatient he started yelling at the preacher to get to the point.

As for Faye she was cursing the wedding under her own breath.

Suddenly there was organ music from up above ruining the ceremony in progress. Everyone's eyes were to the glass organ room where Spike was playing.

"Damn, you Spike!" Faye yelled at him.

"Just listen to me Faye! Spike yelled back. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to go through this wedding at all. I just want you to forgive me and come home. Not just because my life's depends on it but because…uh…I miss you!"

There was a massive AW from the audience. During the distraction, Jet grabbed Ed and started to leave.

"How touching," said Vicious. "But now since you're here, I'll have my guards kill you."

Spike tried to leave the organ room but the only way out had guards coming up the stairs. Spike was trapped. He then took the organ stool and used it to break down the glass wall overlooking the altar. He then jumped for his life. The chaos had the wedding guest running around in terror.

When he hit the ground he ran over to Faye.

"So Faye, do you forgive me?"

"EWW! NO!"

"Damn it, woman! Whatever it is that you want me to do, I'll do it if it gets you to forgive me and come back to the Bebop".

"Hmmm…," Faye began to think long and hard. And the Red Dragons were getting closer to Spike.

"Uh, Faye do you think you can hurry it up a little. I got some croonies trying to kill me!" Spike begged Faye.

Faye sighed. "Men have no patience. Alright. You have to tell me I'm sexy."

"What?! Forget it!"

"Very well," said Faye. "Hey Vicious! He's over he—"

"Okay! Okay! I think you're sexy! Let's go! Let's go!"

Spike grabbed Faye and the two ran out. Outside there were people throwing rice and cheering for whom they thought was the happy couple. Down the street, the Bebop was warming up waiting for its last members of the crew. Spike and Faye ran in, and then the Bebop flew away. Vicious had just missed them and started shaking his fist at the flying ship. Throughout the whole trip they remained silent after agreeing that they would never mentioned the wedding nor the sexy remark ever again…

"Edward liked the wedding," said Ed. "Edward got some cake."

"Hey, that's good," said Jet. "At least will have something to eat. Hand it here."

Ed handed jet the box of cake. Jet opened up with a smile but it turned into a frown when he noticed the mushy mess.

"EIN!"

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T H E E N D ! ! ! ! ! ! 

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At last, I have finally put to death one of the most insane fanfics I have ever written. Since this story was basically crap, you can flame it all you want. Cuz I'm finish with it!

Oh yeah, did you notice the stuff I copied from "The Graduate" and "The Simpsons" scene that made fun of "The Graduate?"


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